How To Deal With Family Members That Voted Differently
If you've ever left a family gathering feeling like your nervous system was on edge because someone brought up politics, you're not alone. I hear this all the time, especially around election season and major national events, which are happening almost daily now. Many people feel torn between staying connected to people they love and managing the anxiety and frustration that comes with political differences. It’s difficult because it isn’t just differences of opinion; often, they feel like fundamental clashes in values, identity, or even safety. If you're nodding along, especially as a high-achieving adult who holds yourself to a high standard of behavior, emotional intelligence and empathy, this post is for you.
As a Denver anxiety therapist, I work with clients every week who are navigating strained family dynamics made worse by political differences. And I don't mean casual disagreements over tax brackets - I'm talking about gut-level reactions to statements made by others…the kind that makes you question whether you're even talking to the same person you grew up with. When emotions are high, it's easy to fall into old patterns: people-pleasing, over-explaining, avoiding, exploding, or shutting down entirely. What if you could navigate those conversations differently? What if your anxiety didn't take over every time a relative made a political statement that goes against everything you believe in? Let's talk about how to set internal and external boundaries, how to communicate clearly without getting stuck in debate mode, and how therapy can help you stay grounded when political differences threaten to send you into rage and anxiety spirals.
Internal Boundaries: What You Will and Won't Carry
Internal boundaries are about your ‘mental real estate’; what you allow to live in your mental and emotional space. Internal boundaries are not about controlling what others do or say - they're about your own internal reactions. What you let stay with you and what you let go instead of turning it over and over in your mind and getting worked up again. When you're at a family event and someone brings up their political beliefs in a way that feels dismissive, aggressive, or completely out of sync with your values, your internal boundary is the voice inside you that says: "I don't have to take this on. I know who I am. I don't have to convince them." It doesn’t mean you agree with what they’ve said, and it doesn’t mean you’re “going along” with it, either. It just means you know you can’t change others and can’t fight every battle.
This is easier said than done but boundaries are important because they change everything. Without strong internal boundaries, you're vulnerable to every emotional jab, every comment that feels like an attack, every bait for debate. With strong internal boundaries, you can stay centered, take care of yourself and choose your battles carefully.
Choosing to not engage isn't about being aloof or detached, it's about knowing when a conversation is no longer productive and allowing yourself to disengage internally even if you're still sitting at the same dinner table. Internal boundaries might sound like, "I'm not responsible for changing their mind," or "I don't have to explain myself right now." If you're someone who struggles with people-pleasing, this will feel really uncomfortable at first. That's a sign you're doing it right.
External Boundaries: What You Will and Won't Engage With
Now let's talk about external boundaries, which are the ones you’ve probably heard about the most. These boundaries are the limits you set with others. They're the verbal and behavioral lines you draw to protect your mental health and maintain your integrity. Saying, "I'm not comfortable discussing politics at family events," is an external boundary. Leaving the room when a conversation escalates and your attempts to bring down the temperature are ignored, or someone keeps getting louder or engages in demeaning or intimidating behavior, is an external boundary. Respectfully and calmly changing the subject intentionally to steer the energy elsewhere are also a boundary.
Boundaries can be firm or flexible, depending on the situation; the key is being intentional. You don't have to announce your political beliefs to the room just to prove you're not complicit. You also don't have to argue with someone who is clearly not open to a genuine conversation. The energy you spend trying to win that debate could be energy you use to ground yourself, connect with someone else in the room, or simply enjoy your food in peace.
One strategy I teach my clients in anxiety therapy in Denver is to have a few phrases ready to go, especially if you know certain family members are likely to bring up triggering topics. Phrases like:
"That's not a topic I want to get into today."
"Let's agree to disagree and talk about something lighter."
"I'm here to spend time together, not debate."
"I care about you, and I know we see this differently."
These aren't cop-outs, they're tools. They let you assert a boundary without escalating the situation. You’re not responsible for managing everyone else’s emotional reactions. You are responsible for how you show up, how you protect yourself, and how you model healthy engagement.
Knowing When to Exit or Pivot
One of the most underrated skills in tense family interactions is knowing when to disengage. You don't have to stay in a conversation that's heading for more heated conflict. You don't have to keep smiling through discomfort or sit there hoping someone else changes the subject. You can do that. You have permission to prioritize your emotional safety.
Sometimes that looks like physically leaving the room. Sometimes it looks like asking a lighthearted question to shift the energy. Sometimes it means finding a cousin or sibling who feels safe and grounding yourself with their presence, or going for a walk with your partner. You are not weak for needing space. You're wise for noticing what your nervous system needs and acting on it. Taking space, whether externally by removing yourself from the conversation or the room, or internally by choosing not to immediately engage, gives you time and space to think about how you would like to respond instead of reacting out of pure emotion (like hurt, anger, etc). Taking time to respond often feels calmer and more controlled, versus snapping or making a sarcastic or attacking comment out of anger. It’s usually received better, too.
But what if you feel “frozen”, overwhelmed, or don’t know what to do? If that sounds like you, you’re not alone. As a Denver therapist I see a lot of clients who feel torn between being the "good" family member and taking care of themselves. The pressure to maintain harmony can be intense, especially if you’ve always been the fixer, the listener, the mediator, or the emotionally mature one in the family. Here's the thing: you can love your family and still decide not to engage in conversations that leave you feeling emotionally wrecked. Love without boundaries isn’t sustainable - it’s self-sacrifice. And that’s not noble, it’s a setup for resentment and burnout.
How Therapy Can Help You Navigate Political Differences
Therapy helps you get honest with yourself about what you’re actually feeling when these moments happen. Are you anxious because you're afraid of conflict? Are you enraged because you feel unseen or betrayed? Are you shutting down because you're overwhelmed? Getting clear about the emotional undercurrent gives you more choices about how to respond.
Working with a therapist, especially someone who understands the nuances of people-pleasing and high-achiever anxiety, can help you develop and rehearse strategies for hard conversations. It’s not just about setting boundaries; it’s about managing the guilt or fear that comes up after you do. It’s about learning to tolerate discomfort without collapsing into people-pleasing or getting blinded by rage. It’s about cultivating self-trust so that even if the interaction doesn’t go perfectly, you don’t spiral for days afterwards.
Anxiety therapy in Denver isn’t just for crisis moments. It’s for building the emotional strength and clarity that lets you show up to family gatherings without dread. It’s learning how to set boundaries and say no without feeling guilty. It’s for untangling the enmeshment and expectations that often makes political conflict in families so charged. It’s for creating a life where your peace isn’t held hostage by what someone else believes, or dependent on how others behave (or vote).
Therapy also helps you explore your values more deeply. Not just what you believe politically, but why those beliefs matter so much to you. That clarity helps you choose your battles wisely. It helps you know which conversations are worth having and which ones are better left untouched. It helps you stay anchored in your integrity even when the room feels like a storm. It helps you navigate family gatherings with calm and confidence. It helps you feel more prepared, and if things go sideways it gives you a place to process it, learn from it and move forward instead of replaying it in your head a thousand times and beating yourself up for not responding the way you wanted to. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you’ll learn how to handle every conflict perfectly, but it can help you develop tools and insight that will keep you from getting stuck in it and learn how to make different choices in the future. Choices that feel aligned and thoughtful, not reactive or avoidant.
One Last Thing…
Remember that you’re allowed to protect your peace. You’re allowed to change the subject. You’re allowed to disengage. You’re allowed to walk away. And none of that makes you weak, dramatic, or avoidant - it makes you self-aware. It makes you emotionally intelligent. It makes you someone who values connection enough to know when a conversation will break it instead of build it.
Talking to family members who voted differently doesn’t have to consume your thoughts and emotions. It doesn’t have to leave you spiraling. With the right internal and external boundaries, and with the clarity and calm that therapy brings, you can show up as your full self - grounded, calm, and clear about who you are…even when others don’t get it.
If this resonated with you and you’re looking for anxiety therapy in Denver, I’d love to support you. As a Denver anxiety therapist who specializes in helping high achievers navigate complex emotional dynamics, stop people-pleasing and find calm and balance, I can help you create a plan that protects your peace and honors your values. You can schedule a phone consult today to start your therapy or to learn more about how Denver therapy can help you stay centered, no matter what chaos is happening around the dinner table.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is for educational and entertainment purposes only; it is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy. Reading this website does not constitute a provider-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or 988. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. See website disclaimer for more information.
