How to Set Boundaries as a People-Pleaser (Without Feeling Like an Asshole)
You’re capable, competent, and chronically overcommitted. You say yes when you want to say no. You carry the emotional weight of everyone around you. You’re exhausted but afraid that setting boundaries will make you look selfish or mean. People-pleasing is less about kindness and “being a good person,” and more about fear. Fear of rejection, conflict, abandonment. Fear of not being good enough unless you’re useful. Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about acknowledging your needs, wants, and limits and showing up as the real you without needing to manage everyone else’s feelings to feel safe. Let’s unpack what’s really going on under your people-pleasing and what it actually looks like to set boundaries without spiraling into guilt, shame, or panic.
Why People-Pleasers Struggle with Boundaries
If you grew up in an environment where love, approval, or stability were conditional, you learned to earn safety by being easy. Helpful. Accommodating. You developed a trauma response called “fawning” to survive; to keep everyone happy and to try to get your needs met. People-pleasing is a trauma response dressed up as agreeableness. You learned that other people’s comfort mattered more than your own, and over time, you stopped noticing your own needs entirely.
Being good or helpful is ‘who you are’. The problem isn’t that you care. It’s that you’ve tied your self-worth to being liked, needed, and indispensable. You’re not just afraid of disappointing others. You’re afraid of what it means about you if you’re no longer the go-to person. The fixer. The one who never drops the ball.
You confuse discomfort with danger. When your nervous system is stuck in fawn mode, boundary-setting can feel dangerous because your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between a real threat and the perceived threat of disappointing someone. So when you try to set a boundary, your body interprets it as danger. That’s why you feel anxiety, guilt, and that sick-to-your-stomach feeling. Despite what you may have been told, this isn’t weakness, it’s a trauma response. It’s your brain and nervous system trying to avoid getting hurt. The solution isn’t gritting your teeth and forcing yourself to be “stronger.” - it’s learning that you are, or can be, safe even if things are uncomfortable. You learn how build a sense of safety over time through co-regulation, practice, and sometimes, therapy.
Sometimes People-pleasing works. You’re good at reading the room. Anticipating needs. Becoming indispensable. That’s why it’s hard to let go; it’s been your edge. But functional doesn’t mean healthy. Just because something gets results doesn’t mean it’s sustainable. People-pleasing might have earned you praise, promotions, or relationships, but at what cost? You’re always “on". You don’t trust that people love you for you. You can’t relax without feeling guilty or lazy. You’re exhausted and no one knows. You’re successful, but it doesn’t feel good. And deep down, you know it.
So why is people-pleasing a problem?
When your default is “yes,” you slowly lose connection with your own preferences, values, and limits. You’re constantly scanning for how others feel while ignoring your own internal cues. This isn’t just self-neglect. It’s self-erasure. It’s what we call self-abandonment. And resentment is the result of self-abandonment You’re smiling and saying yes on the outside, while simmering in quiet frustration on the inside. That tension? That’s the result of betraying yourself to avoid upsetting or feeling like you’ve others. And over time, resentment becomes disconnection. From others. From yourself. From your life.
So How Do You Actually Start Setting Boundaries?
Before we get into it, let’s clear this up: Boundaries aren’t ultimatums. They’re not selfish. They’re not walls. They’re not about controlling others. A boundary isn’t a demand, it’s information. It says, “This is what I need in order to stay in this relationship with safety and integrity.”
1. Get clear about your ‘why’.
Start by asking: why do I need a boundary? What am I tolerating that’s draining me? What do I need more of? Less of? What will I stand to lose if I don’t set this boundary? You can also listen to your body to help you understand your why. Do a body scan and see what you notice. Tight chest? Dread before a meeting? Daydreams about rage-quitting your job or wishing your family would just leave you alone? These can be indicators that you need a boundary.
Some other signs that you might need to set a boundary include:
You feel dread or tension when thinking about a person or commitment
You’re doing things out of obligation, not choice
You’re afraid of how someone will react if you say no
You feel resentment before you’ve even agreed
You justify others' behavior while ignoring your own needs
2. Say it clearly and concisely, not defensively
You don’t need to over-explain yourself. Be direct, clear and deliver it respectfully. Tone of voice and word choice matter here. It’s not about ‘one-upping’, getting in the last word, being cruel, deameaning or being sarcastic - none of those are setting boundaries, they are just reacting.
Instead, try:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I can’t take that on.”
“I’m not available, but I hope it goes well.”
3. Expect guilt and don’t let it stop you
You will feel guilty. This is new, and you may have been guilted in the past when you tried to say no but that doesn’t mean it is wrong to say no or set a boundary.
4. Expect resistance or pushback
Especially if you’ve always said yes. People who benefited from your lack of boundaries might not like the new you. That’s not your problem. Let them have their feelings. You don’t have to fix them.
5. Hold the boundary
This is arguable the hardest part. Don’t get me wrong, saying no and setting your boundary and feel downright terrifying - but it’s over in 20 seconds. Hold your boundary takes a lot longer. It’s really important to not go back on your boundary as soon as you set it - this only teaches others that you aren’t serious, and can be persuaded or guilted into doing what they want.
How Denver Therapy Helps You Stop People-Pleasing
You’ve read the books. You follow the therapists on Instagram. You know you need boundaries. But knowing isn’t the same as doing…that’s because people-pleasing is wired into your nervous system. Therapy helps you untangle that wiring at the root, and remove the barriers that keep you stuck. At Denver Therapy, I offer two heavily researched and scientifically-backed ways to help clients stop people-pleasing; CBT and EMDR.
CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps you notice and interrupt the thought patterns fueling your people-pleasing. Instead of automatically believing, “If I say no, they’ll be mad at me,” CBT helps you ask: Is that true? Where’s the evidence? What’s another possibility? CBT gives you tools to reframe the guilt, challenge the fear of conflict, and tolerate discomfort without running back to old habits.
EMDR stands for Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is used to help clients reprocess things that happened in the past that keep affecting them now, and cause anxiety about the future. I like to use this to work with people-pleasing because people-pleasing often starts in childhood. EMDR helps you reprocess the experiences where you learned your needs didn’t matter. Instead of just understanding the past, EMDR helps your nervous system feel safe in the present. You stop reacting to today like it’s yesterday. You stop confusing boundaries with being unsafe. You can use all the information you learned in books instead of feeling stuck.
Therapy gives you space where you don’t have to perform
For high achievers and recovering people-pleasers, therapy is often the only room where you’re not managing, fixing, or achieving. You get to show up messy, honest, and unfiltered. You get permission to have your own needs, and learn how to start meeting them. If you’re tired of being the one everyone counts on while silently falling apart, it’s time to make a different choice. Boundaries don’t make you selfish; they are necessary for healthy relationships and mental health. You don’t have to earn rest, respect, or relief through over-functioning. You get to have needs and take care of them. You get to matter just as you are. And if you don’t know how to start? That’s what therapy is for.
Ready to Stop the People-Pleasing Cycle?
If you’re a high-achieving, chronically exhausted people pleaser who’s ready to stop white-knuckling your way through life - I can help. I work with ambitious adults who are ready to stop overfunctioning and start setting boundaries that feel good. Together, we’ll address the root of your people-pleasing and help you finally feel safe saying no.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is for educational and entertainment purposes only; it is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy. Reading this website does not constitute a provider-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or 988. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. See website disclaimer for more information.
