How Your Childhood Shapes Perfectionism and People-Pleasing
Let’s talk about something that quietly shapes a lot of our adult lives, even if we don’t realize it. You might call it your childhood, your upbringing, the way you were raised. You’re probably thinking, "Sure, everyone has some kind of baggage, but nothing major happened to me." That’s a common reaction. Most people don’t connect the dots between the subtle experiences of being a kid and the burnout, anxiety, people-pleasing and constant second-guessing they live with as adults.
While obvious trauma and abuse can absolutely lead to people-pleasing and perfectionism, I want to talk about the more invisible kind—the kind that’s often baked into the everyday environment and becomes so normalized that most of us don't even recognize that it was harmful, or at least had a negative impact. Maybe you grew up in a house where emotions weren’t really talked about. Or where being good meant being quiet, agreeable, and high-achieving. Maybe your parents were overwhelmed or distracted or going through their own stuff and you learned to adapt by not needing much, not rocking the boat, and taking care of yourself emotionally.
Maybe you learned that your feelings were not as important as your parents' or your siblings' feelings. Maybe you were told you were being 'dramatic' or 'overreacting' when you dared so share, or show, that something upset or hurt you. And maybe it didn't even happen all the time - maybe it just happened when your parents were too overwhelmed to handle your emotions and their own (even though it was their job to do so). The point is, it doesn’t always take big, dramatic moments for those patterns to take root - sometimes it's seemingly small, everyday moments that start as survival as a kid and then turns into perfectionism and people-pleasing in adulthood.
The Roots of High Achievement and Anxiety
If you’re the person who always needs to get it right, who overthinks every text, email or conversation, who never wants to be a burden, who feels sick when someone’s even a little disappointed in you - you didn’t end up that way by accident. These aren’t random personality traits, they’re strategies that helped you survive and navigate hurtful, neglectful or volatile situations growing up, or helped you get your needs met (and by needs I mean physical AND emotional needs). They served a purpose once. But now, they’re probably running the show in ways that leave you feeling exhausted, anxious, and like you’re constantly on edge.
Let’s break it down.
When you're a kid, you're incredibly attuned to the people around you—especially the adults. You learn pretty quickly what gets you love, praise, or peace, and what gets you criticism, silence, or conflict. If being helpful and agreeable got you smiles and kept the peace, then you likely leaned into that. If doing well in school, sports, or whatever your thing was gave you a sense of being seen, then that became your default mode. You internalized the belief that being worthy, loved and accepted meant being useful, exceptional, or low-maintenance. And that belief didn’t disappear just because you grew up. It followed you into work, relationships, and pretty much every part of your adult life.
The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism
Perfectionism often starts out as a way to avoid disapproval and hurt. It’s not about being fancy or elite or driven for the sake of it. It’s about protection. If I do everything perfectly, no one can be mad at me. If I never drop the ball, I’ll never be a disappointment. If I stay two steps ahead, I’ll be safe. That’s the logic. Of course, the flip side is a constant, grinding fear of failure. Of being exposed. Of not measuring up. And because perfection isn’t actually possible, you end up stuck in a loop: working harder and harder just to feel okay, and never really arriving at that elusive sense of being enough.
Why People-Pleasing Isn’t Actually About Being Nice
People-pleasing works in a similar way. If you learned that being likable or agreeable kept you safe or in good standing, then you probably became very good at reading the room, anticipating needs, and making sure everyone else was okay. And again, maybe that kept things stable when you were little. But now? You end up saying yes when you want to say no. You smile when you’re furious. You overextend, overcommit, and over-function. You lose track of what you actually want because you’re so busy managing everyone else’s emotions.
It’s hard because these habits get praised (aka, positive reinforcement). Being a hard worker? Valued. Being kind and accommodating? Appreciated. But the line between healthy behavior and self-erasure can be thin. Especially when the anxiety underneath it goes unchecked.
What This Looks Like Now
Here’s how this shows up for a lot of adults I work with:
You feel anxious all the time, but you hide it well.
You feel responsible for how everyone around you feels.
You feel guilty when you take a break or do something for yourself.
You’re always chasing the next achievement, and it’s never quite enough.
You’re terrified of letting people down.
You rarely feel proud of yourself—it’s more like relief that you didn’t mess up.
Sound familiar? That’s not just high standards. That’s survival mode that never turned off.
Rewriting the Script
The way you feel and operate now is deeply tied to how you were wired in childhood. Not always someone necessarily did anything wrong or malicious. Sometimes it’s because no one was really paying attention to your feelings. Or because the emotional tone in your house was so fragile that you learned to keep things light, easy, or invisible. And now you don’t know how to show up fully without fearing that it’ll cost you something—approval, love, connection.
The good news? These patterns aren’t permanent. But they do need to be unlearned. You can’t outperform perfectionism. You can’t gratitude-journal your way out of people-pleasing. You have to understand where it came from, how it got so ingrained, and then start practicing different ways of being—even if they feel wildly uncomfortable at first (and they almost definitely will).
Yeah, that’s the hard part. Because if perfectionism and people-pleasing have been your armor and your sense of purpose for your whole life, doing something feels terrifying. It’s not just about learning new skills; it’s about learning that you’re allowed to take up space without earning it first. That you can make mistakes and still be loved. That your needs aren’t a nuisance. That you don’t have to prove your worth through constant achievement or emotional caretaking.
Where Therapy Comes In
This is where good therapy comes in. The kind that doesn’t just nod and smile at your anxiety, but actually helps you untangle it. The kind that challenges your assumptions and helps you build a new relationship with yourself. If you’re in Denver and you’ve been thinking about getting support, I’d encourage you to reach out. I work with people-pleasers, perfectionists and overachievers who are tired of living in a pressure cooker. If you’re looking for anxiety therapy in Denver, or you’ve been searching for a Denver anxiety therapist who gets what it means to function on the outside and feel like you’re falling apart on the inside, I’m here for that work. Therapy doesn’t have to be a last resort; it can be a powerful turning point.
You don’t have to keep performing to be loved. You don’t have to stay stuck in patterns that leave you drained and disconnected. Change is possible. It starts by getting curious about where your habits came from and choosing, one small moment at a time, to do things differently.
If you're interested in exploring how your childhood patterns are playing out in your adult life, or you're simply feeling the weight of constant pressure and anxiety, reach out. I'm a Denver therapist who specializes in helping high achievers break free from perfectionism, people-pleasing, and the anxiety that fuels it all. Whether you’re looking for Denver therapy that actually gets to the root of things or you’re just ready to feel like yourself again, you don’t have to do this alone. Let’s talk. Book a free phone consultation now.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is for educational and entertainment purposes only; it is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy. Reading this website does not constitute a provider-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or 988. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. See website disclaimer for more information.
