When High Standards Hurt More Than They Help

Let’s talk about perfectionism—again- but this time, from a slightly different angle. This is about that blurry line between healthy ambition and self-sabotage. And if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve danced on both sides of that line.

You pride yourself on doing things well. You care deeply about the quality of your work, your relationships, how you show up in the world. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be excellent. But here’s the problem: when your standards become so rigid, so punishing, or so unrealistic that they start to paralyze you instead of push you forward.

Perfectionism and the Science of Diminishing Returns

Perfectionism is sneaky because it often masquerades as diligence or ambition. And to be fair, many perfectionists are high performers—until they’re not. Because perfectionism doesn’t just ask you to do well; it demands that you do flawlessly. Every time. No room for error, no grace for learning curves, no tolerance for mistakes. And that’s where we start seeing diminishing returns.

In psychology, the concept of diminishing returns means that after a certain point, adding more effort doesn’t actually lead to better results. In fact, it can do the opposite. Spending six hours editing a report that was already solid after two doesn’t necessarily make it better—it just burns you out. Re-reading an email ten times doesn’t always make it clearer—it just increases your anxiety. The more pressure you apply, the more you second-guess, delay, or freeze altogether.

This is when perfectionism flips from being a tool to being a trap. You’re not making things better; you’re getting stuck.

Is It High Standards, or Is it Avoidance?

Let’s get honest: how often do your high standards serve as a shield? How often do you avoid starting something because you’re scared it won’t be perfect? How often do you procrastinate and tell yourself that you're still "getting more information," when really, you’re terrified of doing it wrong?

This is one of the hardest things for high achievers to admit. You’re not lazy. You’re not unmotivated. But you might be stuck in a pattern where your expectations are so high that it feels safer not to try at all than to risk falling short. That’s not drive or ambition - that's fear.

Avoidance often shows up as perfectionism’s twin: they both thrive on fear of failure. But while perfectionism says "try harder," avoidance says "don’t even bother." And it can be really hard to distinguish between the two.

Here’s what this might look like in real life:

• You spend more time planning than executing.

• You rewrite the same paragraph, pitch, email or post over and over without ever hitting send.

• You delay making decisions because you’re waiting for the "perfect" answer.

• You abandon projects halfway through because they’re not turning out the way you imagined.

These are all signs that your standards have shifted from motivating to paralyzing.

Another sneaky feature of perfectionism is the belief that everything can and should be improved. It's the belief that there's always a better version, a more efficient system, a cleaner design, a better way to explain it, a more polished product. And while that kind of mindset can be useful in moderation when taken too far it actually gets in the way of doing efficient, quality work.

While it sounds good in theory, the reality is that always optimizing leaves no room for satisfaction. There's no finish line. You don't get to feel proud or done or content because your brain is already scanning for flaws and opportunities to level up. And what started as a desire to excel turns into an endless loop of dissatisfaction.

This has real consequences. In therapy, I see it all the time: clients coming in for anxiety therapy who are burned out, irritable, disconnected from their values, and unsure why they feel so hollow. They’re doing "everything right"—but it never feels like enough. Their relationships suffer because they’re preoccupied with performance. Their health suffers because rest feels indulgent. Their confidence tanks because they’re never allowed to fail without self-punishment.

That’s not excellence, that’s self-abandonment.

Recalibrating Without Settling

Okay, so what do you do when you realize your standards might be part of the problem? How do you dial them down without feeling like you’re just giving up?

First: you’re not settling. You’re recalibrating. There’s a massive difference between lowering your standards and adjusting them to fit reality. One comes from defeat; the other comes from wisdom.

Start by asking this: is this standard helping me, or is it hurting me? Is it moving me toward the life I want, or is it keeping me stuck in cycles of avoidance, anxiety, and burnout?

Perfectionism often lives in absolutes: always, never, best, worst. So your first job is to invite nuance. What does "good enough" actually look like in this situation? What would you say to a friend in your shoes? What are the actual consequences of doing something at 90% instead of 110%?

And here’s the thing: the people who care about you—the ones who matter—aren’t measuring you by your output. They want you to be present, human, vulnerable, connected - not perfect. And if they do want you to be perfect, that is a red flag and it's their issue, not yours.

Therapy for People-Pleasing and Performance Pressure

If all of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. It's more common than you think, and the beliefs usually run deep. Especially if you were the “responsible” one growing up. Or the one who had to hold it all together. Or the one who got attention through achievement or performance instead of emotion. These patterns don’t change just because you want them to, they require some real inner work.

That’s where therapy comes in. A good therapist isn’t just going to tell you to lower your standards or chill out - they’ll help you understand why those standards exist in the first place. What role they’ve played. What you’re afraid might happen if you let them go. And then they’ll help you build a new internal compass—one that’s based on your values, not just your fears.

If you’re in Denver and looking for support, I specialize in helping high achievers navigate the anxiety, people-pleasing, and perfectionism that often comes with having high standards. Whether you’re searching for therapy for people-pleasing, anxiety therapy, or just solid, grounded support to help you find your way back to yourself, I’m here to support you. Therapy doesn’t have to be so stiff or sterile —it can be deep, real, and transformative.

You deserve to feel proud without feeling pressure. You deserve rest without guilt. You deserve to be human without "earning" it.

If you're ready to shift out of the all-or-nothing loop and into something more sustainable and self-respecting, reach out. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Let's talk - book a free consultation directly from my online scheduler by clicking here.

DISCLAIMER: This blog is for educational and entertainment purposes only; it is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy. Reading this website does not constitute a provider-client relationship. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or 988. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. See website disclaimer for more information.